In the end, divorced parents who are constantly engaged in a standoff make it harder on themselves and their kids. Parents set on revenge only make a bad situation worse if they manipulate their children and use them as pawns. Instead of focusing on the needs of their children, sparring parents are focused on their own issues .
Children First in Stress-Free Visitation Planning
Parents who place children first are able to separate the spousal relationship from the parenting relationship. They demonstrate love and support in their actions. That being said, how can parents in a high conflict divorce make visitation stress-free? Here are some pointers to help smooth the way:
- Be as flexible as possible with schedules. Take turns with the ex attending sporting events, plays, etc. and communicate well in advance the ones each will go to.
- Negotiate trade-offs. For example: one hockey game for one swim meet.
- Include children in making plans. Allow therm to express their preferences about which parent they want to attend special events. Do not pressure them to decide, however. Children often feel torn and want to be loyal to both parents.
- On occasion when both parents must be present, such as school conference, if possible arrange for individual meetings . In situations where a child is receiving special services, ask that a summary of any recommendations be sent to both parents. That way parents can be on the same page.
- If direct communication is difficult, maintain open neutral communication by using email or text messaging .
- Do not make kids go-betweens or spies. Smile when they leave; smile when they come back.
- Special events such as graduation, weddings, confirmations, bar and bat mitzvahs can be stressful for some divorced parents. Plan to sit with friends or family members. If attending the event is too difficult, send a stand-in. That's not a great solution, but it's a way to avoid ruining what should be a happy occasion for everyone.
Courses in Cooperative Parenting
For those parents who cannot get past the hurt and bitterness, there are courses that teach the art of cooperative parenting. Some courses are state-mandated for high conflict divorce situations. Check out the Mental Health Association that sponsors a Children First course for separating or divorcing parents. The fee is $20.
Parenting in the best possible circumstances can be challenging. It is especially difficult for kids who get caught in the couple's acrimonious web. Children need all the support and love they can get from both parent. There is much Mom and Dad can do to keep things on an even keel if they are open to rescheduling visitations to accommodate the needs and preferences of the child; making each visitation upbeat; not using children as pawns, and finally, keeping the focus on the child's well-being.
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