Coparenting with an Unreliable Parent
Help Children Cope with Canceled Visits and No-Show Parents
Aug 6, 2009
Even when divorced parents work together and put their children's interests ahead of their own, there will be times when visits have to be canceled or plans have to be changed. Unfortunately for some children, these missed visits are a common occurrence and a source of emotional distress. Parents can take steps to ease the blow for children and help them learn to cope with the situation.
Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep
Both parents must realize that they only have control over their own choices and actions. If Mom tells the children that they will get to see their dad this weekend and he cancels, then the children see Mom as a liar. If Dad tells the children he will see them this weekend and Mom cancels, the children still see Dad as the one who broke a promise. Each parent should only make commitments that are within their power to follow through on.
One strategy is not to mention visits at all unless children ask. When they do ask, parents can be vague with answers such as "You'll go to Dad's house again soon" or "Mom will visit you when she's able to." Especially with young children who don't have a solid concept of time, "soon" can be just as meaningful as "next weekend".
If the non-custodial parent is inconsistent about visiting, the custodial parent can tell the children that he or she doesn't know when the next visit will be and offer to let them call the non-custodial parent to ask. It is still painful if the non-custodial parent commits to something and doesn't follow through, but at least the custodial parent is being as honest as possible with the children.
Parents do need to balance the fear of disappointment against the children's need to prepare and feel like they know what's going on. If one parent frequently cancels plans at the last minute, the other parent can emphasize to the children that this is the plan, but sometimes things come up. The parent can remind the children that Mom/Dad is going to try to do whatever but leave it somewhat open.
The Person Canceling the Visit Should Break the News to the Kids
No parent likes to see his or her children disappointed and certainly no parent wants to be the cause of that disappointment. It is unpleasant to have to tell children that plans have changed and whatever they were looking forward to won't be happening after all. Still, it is easier for children to hear from the source, "I'm sorry. I thought we'd be able to do something today but we can't. I love you and I'll make it up to you soon."
It isn't always practical to talk to the children right away when canceling plans, but the parent who cancels should try to get in touch with the kids as soon as possible and talk with them personally. He/she should give them an age-appropriate explanation and reassure them that they are loved and missed and he/she will see them again soon.
Explain the Situation in an Age-Appropriate Way
Parents can be honest with children without bad-mouthing the other parent. It is not necessary to lie to cover for an inconsistent parent, but children don't need all the details. "Something came up" is better than "Mom/Dad is hungover again", "Mom/Dad is with the new boyfriend/girlfriend", or "Mom/Dad forgot about your plans again." Children are smart and figure out what's going on when there is a pattern of irresponsible behavior. In the long run, children will resent the parent who is constantly negative about the other as much as they resent the parent who repeatedly cancels plans.
Children Need to be Able to Express Their Feelings
Parents should let children know that it is OK to be upset, disappointed, or angry, and model appropriate ways to deal with those emotions. Parents should also reassure children that they are loved and it is not their fault when the other parent doesn't follow through.
Have a Backup Plan
Especially when there is a pattern of canceled plans or no-shows, it can help for custodial parents to have a backup plan. Understand that children will be disappointed and plan something fun that will allow the kids a little extra attention and help take their mind off the disappointment.
Divorced parents need to understand how important both parents are to their children and both parents should make time with the children a priority. If one parent is consistently canceling plans, perhaps the two parties can work together to come up with a more suitable schedule. Many family lawyers recommend keeping a calendar or journal documenting missed visits, canceled plans, and custodial interference so that if a pattern appears, it can be addressed. Whatever the issues between Mom and Dad, each of them need to put the children first and encourage a healthy relationship between the children and both of their parents.
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